4 Signs that Someone is Gaslighting You
1. You are questioning your sanity. When someone is gaslighting you, you begin to question your sanity and your recollection of events. “Gaslighting” is not a clinical term, but it is used to indicate a person’s attempt to manipulate the victim into questioning their sanity. This can be subtle or overt. Subtle gaslighting is when a person starts to speak to you like you are a person that they genuinely care for, but they are concerned about your mental health. Subtle gaslighting sounds more like a teacher or a therapist trying to talk you off of the ledge. An example would be,“honey, I think that you are having trouble remembering things. I am actually concerned that you make things up to feel insecure about.” Overt gaslighting is more direct. The person may yell at you to get help or outright call you “crazy.” An example would be someone saying,“you are sick and you really need to get help for your issues!” Or “you need to be on stronger medication because obviously you are still delusional!”
2. You are apologizing without understanding what you are apologizing for. Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse and it is just as vicious and hurtful as verbal abuse, the silent treatment or withholding love and affection. Like all abuse, gaslighting eventually will take its’ toll on the victim. The victim dreads confrontation with the emotional abuser, and will do anything to avoid further conflict. The victim in this situation will begin to apologize to appease the abuser. They may find themselves saying things that do not make sense like, “I don’t know what I did to upset you today, but I am sorry” or “I am sorry that I forgot what happened.” You should never apologize for something that you cannot take full responsibility for. A true apology comes from the heart and you have to feel remorse for your specific behaviors.
3. Your self-esteem has suddenly dropped. All forms of manipulation and emotional abuse impact your self-esteem negatively. Subconsciously, the victim begins to develop feelings of worthlessness. Aguilar and Nightingale (1994) found that emotional and controlling abuse was significantly related to lower self-esteem in abused women. If your self-esteem suddenly starts to plummet, it may be time to examine the nature of your relationship. Your partner should make you feel loved and supported. Relationships that erode your self-esteem are always toxic in nature.
4. You are start to keep a record of things that are said to you. Because gaslighting makes you question your sanity and your recollection. The victim may go to extremes to document conversations with their gaslighter. The victim may start to screenshot text messages, take pictures of emails and take notes after conversations. This can be helpful because it helps the victim to keep track of what was said. This can make the victim feel more secure, grounded and confident about their sanity. However, if you are in a relationship that requires you to document every single conversation, you have to ask yourself is this truly the life that you want and how long are you willing to be in a relationship that you spend more time writing about than enjoying?
If you are struggling with low self-esteem, relationship issues, anxiety or trauma related to past relationships, do not hesitate to reach out to a licensed psychotherapist to start your healing process. Basic Bliss Life Coaching and Counseling offers telehealth sessions and appointments can be scheduled online from the comfort of your own home.
References
Aguilar, R.J., Nightingale, N.N. The impact of specific battering experiences on the self-esteem of abused women. Journal of Family Violence 9, 35–45 (1994). https://doi.org/10.1007/BF01531967
Written By: Darlene M. Scott, LPC, NCC
Licensed Psychotherapist
Published July 12, 2022
APA 7 Citation:
Scott, D. (2022). 4 Signs that someone is gaslighting you. Darlenemscott. https://www.darlenemscott.net/personal-development/2022/7/12/3g0pqq1ze6kx636wz1f38ivwinbzzu